Happy & Sad

While I cannot say what exactly caused me to open my laptop at 10 pm, I will figure that out. I started this blog one year ago, and who I am now versus who I was then are completely different people with completely different lives. One year ago I was friends with people who I had thought would be in my life forever, we even got tattoos to prove it, but nonetheless, they have moved on, and so have I. I think about all of the memories we shared together, good or bad, but I mostly think about how much better my life is now and wonder if the reason is that they aren't in it. If you had asked me who would be in my life at this time last year, all of those people would have been in it. It hurts to see friendships end, but people truly do evolve and I feel that a part of me would have always been struggling to grow if I were to continue those friendships. Meanwhile, they did not end well. They ended in a mass of zero explanation and a game of following the leader, however, no hard feelings here.

On the other hand, one year ago I was excruciatingly heartbroken and gaslit by someone I pictured spending the rest of my life with. Thinking back, I absolutely hate the thought of knowing that I thought my life was over because someone did not love me as much as I loved them, and also wanted to live with their mother for a few more years, but I digress. Who I was then, and who I am now are so different, but I have found comfort knowing that that pain that I experienced ultimately helped me grow as a human, no matter how much therapy I inevitably went through. Being almost 23, I truly cannot imagine settling down and starting forever with someone right now. I can't say that I am against it entirely, but there is something peaceful about healing yourself and falling in love with yourself. I wish that I could tell 2021 me that it will all be okay, but at the time it felt inescapable.

I am happy, but I am also sad. I think it is okay to mourn over the loss of friendships and relationships, but the real growth comes from reflecting on them and what they provided for you during that time and how it will inevitably help you go, trauma aside. I am happy with the strong, independent person that I am and I am in love with myself in every way. The things that used to consume my every being no longer affect me in the same way. While I value the opinions of people I love, outsiders' perspectives on who I am and who I should have no significance to me, even though there was a time when I was utterly consumed by them. I am slowly becoming the person I want to be, so if you see this, thank you for getting me here.