Not Sure

I felt the sudden urge to grab my laptop and furiously start writing. I can't say exactly what I have to say or have in mind, but sometimes it is okay to just write and see where it takes you.

I feel as of recently that the world has continued to move, and the trees continue to grow orange and red while their leaves fall to the ground. The wind has gotten colder and the days have gotten shorter. I feel like as the world continues to move, I am stuck watching it all pass me by, wondering why I feel stuck to the ground, unable to move.

As many of you know, I have struggled with depression in the past, but I feel as if this is somehow different in a way. I feel like I have to put on a face every day and continue to be the strong and funny person that everyone expects me to be. It is different now, I am no longer in college, able to just cut out the world, skip classes, and go to therapy. I am forced to go to work, speak to people when I physically cannot bear to, put a smile on my face, work as hard as I can, and do it all the next day. There is something to say about doing the same thing day in and day out. While at times it's comforting to know how your day will go and what you will do, then at times, it is frightening to imagine that every day until you die will be tied to what you are doing 9-5 Monday through Friday.

I feel like I am just going through the motions and not truly enjoying life as I usually do. I love being the victory story, the AFTER story... what happens when you survive and heal. I want to be that image of a strong, beautiful, and confident woman that people desperately try to find in their lives. I know I can be that again, but it takes so much strength to pull yourself out.

When I initially got myself through my depression, it was something that I never thought I would have to go through again. I thought it was a one-and-done type of thing. The thing that people talk about is only part of their past, not their current. The "oh I once was lost but now I am found" type deal, but here we are again. I believe that if you can get through something once, you can again. I have yet to find out if it is harder the second time around.

Just know, if you feel this way, or have in the past, hot girls get sad too. Somedays are just days, and some days are memories and stories. It is okay to have just a day or just a week, I think it makes the memories and the stories that much better.