Stuck in the Middle

There is this constant feeling inside of me that makes me feel that I haven't done enough with myself, I haven't gotten to where I need to be, and I am nowhere near the finish line. On the other hand, I constantly have the feeling that I am outgrowing people and situations that I find myself in, leaving me stranded in this middle land of the unknown. Not knowing whether I am right where I am supposed to be or if I am destined for something greater. If I should shut up, keep my head down, and work my 9-5, or keep writing, keep posting, in hopes to fulfill my dream of being a writer or a curvy model. These are just words, and I'm just a person. I see people everyday living their dreams and working to become the person they have always wanted to be, or getting the job they have always wanted, but are those people even satisfied?

I found myself reading my journal entries from a year ago. A year I was hopelessly in love with someone who I had thought had everything and could give me the world. As I was reading these, I realized that I sought comfort in reading them, even though I knew how painful were to write at that time. I am in such a transitional part of my life right now that reading something with a beginning, and a sad ending made more sense to me than living in the now and trying to figure out where to go from here. I was reading memories that have been so deeply suppressed that I felt like a third person reading in a novel, but instead they were my own memories that I have buried away in hopes of healing.

I should be satisfied with where I am in my life. I got a job offer that I worked hard to get, and deserve, but I still find myself not knowing if it is the right move, or if this is where I should be? In this specific blog post, I don't have the answers. If I did I don't think I would be writing this, but one of the things that I did figure out while I was reading my journal entries is that no matter how much you love someone, and how much you do for them, it doesn't matter. Someone will treat you how they want to, depending on how they feel about you. You can make all the excuses in the world for them but at the end of the day, someone will treat you EXACTLY how they feel about you, even if that is a pill I have yet to swallow. I learned this the hard way, and instead of accepting the fact that someone could really say they loved me and wanted to spend their life with me and not mean it, I wanted to think that they meant it. Maybe they did truly mean that, but if they did they would have proved it with actions to back it up. It is easy to see the best in people, but sometimes it is better for you, in the long run, to see that person for exactly who they are and what they bring to your life. I was at a very dark place in my life, searching for love and reassurance. If that person would have came into my life now, none of the things that happened would have because now I would not stand for it. On the other hand, I don't think I would be the person I am today if that wouldn't have happened to me. A wise woman once said that people are either leaves, branches, or roots, and they will either change per season, break off in a storm or if they are roots, they will grow with you and keep you grounded. If you're confused about who someone is in your life, they will show you, let them.